| You can see that I've been cryin'... |
[06 Aug 2008|11:31pm] |
can i speak honestly with you for a minute...
i don't know whats going on with me, I find myself losing my temper so easily with you, and im not sure why.
You have been the best thing for me, and the only thing i want, yet I get so frustrated so quickly.
Maybe cuz you crushed my world in a matter of a few short words. And how you sat there without emotion when the walls were falling all around me. I don't hate you at all though. I find you to be such a great amazing person. I dont know I get so short with you though.
I hope you can just put up with it til this phase passes. Maybe this wasnt supposed to happen. Maybe I should have said no. Maybe? but if i said no, i would wonder what would have been if i said yes. I cant deal with this. I feel so guilty about it. But its not that big of a deal, right? maybe ill bring it up tomorrow, thats what you want right? thats what is the right thing to do. talk about what im feeling. I just dont know why its happening. When youre here, i sometimes cant stand the things you say, but the second you leave all i want is your voice in my ear. Ugh, why cant I just figure this shit out. Im probably just overreacting, but i dont wanna drive you away again. Im really scared to lose you, i dont wanna go through that again, i cannot go through that again. whatever. ill tallk to you tomorrow. (by the way, the "you" in this scenario is my amazing boyfriend shaun.)
But for tonight i have to figure out why Jim (yea, ex-bf jim) is randomly texting me again...
oh wait, he just brought up the head i gave in like..october. great. i shoulda figured its about sex.
damn horny kids. i was just a bitch tho, ha. my bad. not really.
&& i cannot wait to go camping soon! <3 yay!
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[29 Jul 2008|03:10am] |
This hurts way too much for me to handle.
:(
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| I Bet There's Hearts All Over The World Tonight... |
[14 Jun 2008|12:35pm] |
He tells me im the best thing in his life.
He tells me that I mean the world to him.
He tells me he loves me like crazy.
I cannot stand him being away. Why does this fucking suck so much!?
I've never missed anyone like this before, and it hurts. And im so thankful that he's still in my life, i love every second of it.
He's always on my mind, and i know im on his, but it seems like its been forever since ive seen him, and i kinda wanna die.
no i wont kill myself, that would be retarded. But i feel like if i dont see him soon, idk. im just ranting, and you all hear about this all the time anyway, but i cant help it. idk what else to write about here. i really do love him. hes like no other.
He just needs to come home soon.
You mean to me
What I mean to you and..
Together baby,
There is nothing we won't do
'cause if I got you,
I don't need money,
I don't need cars,
Boy, you're my heart.
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| Why Don't You Stay... |
[09 Jun 2008|03:50pm] |
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This is a letter to my friends:
Thanks.
For being there for me.
for driving me to court.
for holding me when all i do is cry.
for telling me that im pretty. (you do. dont deny it)
for not saying a word while i talk for an hour about something youdont care about.
for telling me that Im gonna be ok. Cuz i worry alot that i wont be.
for making me a stronger, better person.
theres more but i have to go to work (SHOCKING, RIGHT? chucky working? whats that about?)
i love you guys so much.
&& to my amazing boyfriend. I cant believe practically 5 months have gone by and i havent been dumped. i love you so much. hurry home from spain because im dying here without you. its the truth.
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| You wanna know why I look sad and lonely... |
[10 May 2008|03:24pm] |
when i get home tonight,
my house will be empty.
my mom has moved, and its creepy.
there is nothing in my house (ok not nothing, but close)
idk. its all so strange.
oh adn i sometimes really wanna quit my job at chilis.
but then i open my wallet and remember why i love it there.
<3
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| If it were up to you I'd be in my bed cryin' |
[09 May 2008|01:45pm] |
As i sit here in my bright orange room, surrounded by boxes of cd's/books/movies/clothes/random things collected through the years, listening to my stereo on shuffle (danity kane, hilduff, and jordin sparks), and eating subway, about to light a cigarette, I feel the same as ever. Yet I feel so different. I feel so fucking excited to start this chapter in my life, getting my own place with the fantabulous COLLEEN, and finally being independant. I love where my life is right now, and i love where its heading. I cannot wait for this all to happen.
But on the other hand, I cant help but be scared. Im nervous as hell and i cant explain what feelings are flowing through my veins right now. I believe this is my last night living with my mom, and im gonna miss her something terrible. I've never been without her here whenever i needed her, she has been my security and shes protected me through everything in my life, and to know that she wont be 2 feet down the hall is petrifying. Im scared. YES im terrified. I guess its finally hitting me that my life is changing and im not sure how to handle it. On my face i show a smile cause I dont want her to see that im scared to be on my own. I dont know what to say..im just rambling. I know she'll always be there for me, but now she'll be 20 mins away.
idk, we just hugged and cryed together for a minute. I really hope that this all works out, and that I can survive life on my own.
I really think i can do this. I have such great friends and family, and friends who are family who support me like woah.
so i believe ill be ok.
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| This downtown apartment sure makes me miss home... |
[13 Mar 2008|02:17pm] |
| [ |
music |
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Right There - Danity Kane |
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Hey you.
Oh yea, thats right.. im officially beginning for my search for an apartment of MY OWN!
Can you believe it!? in a few months i will hopefully have my OWN PLACE, all to myself! (for a while at least...)
IDk... im really excited about it, i cant wait for it to actually happen... so yea. thats my news.
Also, i am SO excited for VT in 3 days! 3 motha fuckin days bitches! TUSSIN!
I hooe its just as fun as the last time, and i hope we all get along.
it should rock the socks off of whatever youre doing for spring break. so be jealous
&& my bf is amazinggg...
so is Danity Kane, and their new song DAMAGED.
thanksbye.
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| Second Chances they don't ever matter, People never change... |
[26 Feb 2008|04:05pm] |
Colleen Hermann is truly one of the best people ive ever encountered in life, and I am so lucky that she gives a shit about me to stay aart of my life forever and ever (altho, i dont think she knows about the forever part... ha. pwned.)
I love her to death, and if you mistreat her in any way, then i will have your head on a silver platter, and then feed you to my beast of a dog. Because of all the people to treat like shit, she is not the one. So stop being an as to her. She doesnt deserve any shit, especially from a so-called friend.
And my other friends dont need your bullshit either. so get over yourself, and soon.
Umbrella's i love you. altho, at the moment, my umbrella is kinda being blown inside out by the terrible winds of mother nature. But as a wise friend has repeated to me over and over again, its not my place to fix it, or to punish the umbrella, but let nature take its course.
Although thats hard.
I hate when youre good to my face, you block out all the rain, and sometimes the harmful UV rays. But once I turn my back, you drop some acid rain on me, and my umbrella burns. (as you can tell, im trying not to drop names here, so i hope you can understand my speech.) What good is a bum umbrella? its not. I end up soaking wet, cold, and sick. And thats how you make me feel. I feel like crap everytime i hear that you talked smack about me AGAIN. get over it, you really think i wouldnt hear about it? COME THE FUCK ON!!! seriously? i cant believe you sometimes... but i cant blow up at you. its not going to help anything cuz you will NEVER learn. never.
ok, im kinda done ranting about this, but there is a lot of upset in my life because of how you treat me, and my friends.
homie dont play that. thanks. dont mess with me cuz i will tear you to shreds. I dont even know what to do with you anymore.
maybe we'll get through this.
. . . . . god i hope so..
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| You Keep Callin' Me Back To Your Heart... |
[21 Feb 2008|05:37pm] |
so... i really miss my friends. i feel like i havent seen them in YEARS. yes YEARS.
<33 i just wanna see them so badly...
but i dont want them to smoke so much, i feel thats the reason ive distanced myself.
idk.... its like everytime we hang, its smoking time, and im not into that now, and dont wanna be around it.
but i hope we can get past that, and i hope i dont sound like a whiny bitch, cuz i love my friends.
Robbie called me yesterday and it was fantastic, i forgot to call him back tho... :(
I feel like al my time is spent with mike, and i dont hate that..
but I need to find a balance b/w work, the bf, and the best friends that i was once inseperable from.
Idk.. lets work on it. Friends, get me to hang out. Call me soon, k?
<3 i love you all.
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| This boy here wants to move too fast... |
[29 Jan 2008|02:15am] |
hello. its been a little while and last time i wrote here i was all giddy and shit. I still am, don't get me wrong.
But i lost a bucket of Cheeseballs tonight, so im sad.
i also just wrote an ellaborate entry about my anger, but erased it.
i dont wanna say something ill regret.
(but colleen, we talked about this earlier, and i hope you remember, and know that im still upset about it)
I kinda really like my boyfriend. He is so amazing. i just cant get over it.
&& i love visiting colleen and mandolin.
Im in love with them both yes i am.
&& thats all really.
I miss becky, i do.
OMG. im getting my umbrella tattoo on the 6th! thats like in a week!!!! ish.
<333 love you all.
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| You must have been sent from heaven above.. |
[13 Jan 2008|10:24am] |
Dear LJ World,
I am officially taken. YES you read correctly, someone is dumb enough to date me, or crazy enough. haha.,
but yea. thats all i have to say here.... but i really wanted to say it, im so fucking happy. like you dont even know.
he is the best thing in the world. And im so happy! ahh... i dont even know how to handle this all.
:)
So kiss me and smile for me, tell me that you'll wait for me,
Hold me like you'll never let me go. . .
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| When The Sun Shines, We Shine Together... |
[24 Sep 2007|01:23am] |
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So, this was the most fantastic weekend ive had in a LONG LONG LONG time.
&& im so happy to have experienced it with my friends.
lets see what i can remember right now from this weekend, if you were there && i forgot one, pls leave it in a comment so the world can laugh along with us.
This Weekend <3's :
- TUSSIN!
- Umbrella Shots!!!! <33
- "look at my boots!"
- SCARY CAKES! (w/ s'cream filling!)
- Chucky:"Why are we with the books? We can't eat these!"
Colleen: "Wow Chucky, you really just out-fatted yourself"
- Under The Sea Dance Party! (that was alright)
- Industrial Piercings! <3
- SweetWaters, mad bangin, as is 3Tomatoes.
- Boomwackers!?
- SO! SO!
- Bohemian Rhapsody sung throughout Burlington, VT
- Colette: "Are you speaking Mandarin? ... That changes everything!"
- Group hugs!
- rocking out to rent, til you lose your voice.
- Pieces Of Me, sung throughout Burlington, VT
- Laura Cui (prounounced Laura Sway! <3)
- Colleen Hermann being fucking hilarious. who knew where that came from?
- FLY HIGH FIONA!!!!!
- No-Doz
- 4 packs of cigarettes each. (we're gonna live forever)
- SCARY CAKES! (it needed to be on here twice like you wont even know)
- "It reaches way down deep and tears you inside out til youre torn apart... RENT! ::fosse hands::"
- "Ewww.... she's vomiting!!!" Josh: "And she's on crutches!!"
- umm... one word: PRESTON.
- staying up til 7am with ppl you hardly know, but still love.
- Fire Escape!
- "The longer you stand there, the more you're embarassing yourself." - D`Kunks
- Go Tell Aunt Rosie.... her old gray goose is dead.
- barefoot all night, not such a good idea.
- sleeping with a friend is better than sleeping alone.
- body pillows rule, like woah
- TITTIES!
- SCARY CAKES! (again, this was a big deal)
- CINNAMELTS!! love love love/jizz
- Dr. Tran
- getting locked out of a dorm at 8am
- FREE RINGTONES! (like 6 of them, and they rock. props to Dylan)
- Robbie looks at sign that says 'I R I D E'.. and says "I Read."
- Saying goodbye to Becky, then seeing her 5 mins later in the gas station.
Ok group, i cant think of any more tonight. Please if i forgot something amazing put it in a comment, cuz i would love to never forget this weekend, and i know you guys dont want to either. ok thanks. <3.
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[26 Aug 2007|02:51am] |
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felixishorny: thanx, and i really do think your cute
^^ amen. i love it. thank you Jesus. or Buddah. or Zeus.
In other news...
I hate this. I cannot believe its still this hard. we knew it was coming, and we knew what it was like last time. wtf. how the hell did the end of summer sneak up on us and give us an atomic wedgie like a 5th grade bully. I felt all my breath leave me on my way home tonight after saying goodbye to two of my best friends. I never want to do this again. we should all go to the same school next year. ok. good. But I dont know how ill survive without them here. I miss them so much already and they havent left yet. I dont know what to do if everyone of my crew left me. Thank god some stay close. And i know things will be back to normal come thanksgiving.. but still.
I cant help wonder if I can get through this EVERY summer. ill miss you guys. && ill always love you. Always remember God hates you ... <3 Jesus
^^ if you ever miss me. look in your wallet. my words ring true to this day (tho thay may be a lil dramatic.) You are my best. Now & Always. A wise friend once wrote me these words.. && no matter where life takes us, you'll be with me. Ill never forget them. ok im done being sappy.
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| With You Gone It Plays On, Its So Hard To Move On... |
[25 Jun 2007|01:55am] |
Directions:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
"endless Summer" - Ashlee Simpson
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
"Come What May" - Moulin Rouge
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"Bigger Than My Body" - John Mayer
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"SexyBack" - Justin Timberlake
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"Waitin' For The Light To Shine" - Big River
WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO ?
"Because Of You" - Kelly Clarkson
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"i Wanna Be With You" - Mandy Moore
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Losing My Religion" - REM
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"From The Start" - Ryan Cabrera
What is 2+2?
"More Than Useless" - Relient K
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
"Pedestal" - Fergie
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Dum Diddly" - BEP
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"One Of These Days" - Michelle Branch
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Straitjacket Feeling" - AAR
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Last Night" - Ryan Cabrera
WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Hound Dog" - Elvis
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Hit Me With Your Light" - Ryan Cabrera
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST??
"Somebody Told Me" - The Killers
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR??
"Oh Its Love" - HelloGoodbye
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"I'll Take My Chances" - The Click Five
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Girl Next Door" - Saving Jane
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| I who have no one, adore you and want you so... |
[02 Jun 2007|07:57am] |
So, i quit my job at cardsmart. I got a new job at Adam's Grocery Store, and have decided to take it.
thats my update.
Im too lazy to write anything else.
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| You've come a long way...from whiskey and cocaine... |
[14 May 2007|01:20am] |
IM SO NERVOUS!!!!!!!!
i mean, i know (hope) ill do fine.
&& it means so much to me that my friends are there to show their support!!!
I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!!
wish me luck! <3
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| And with a broken wing... She still sings... |
[01 May 2007|10:56pm] |
Sooo....
I visited Wagner this weekend, and BOY, it was amazing!!!!
I went to the ASA formal with the lovely Faith, and we looked hot, and i got trashed.
it was fantastic.
The next day, sunday, was spent with Arlyne (raven), and Ashley (her amazing roomate).
We chilled, had lunch, saw Oklahoma!, then had dinner, I saw kelly buck (hottie), and then we chilled with ashley's friends and other Wagner kids.
THis was followed by a trip to The Coffee House, where the Theater Kids had this thing. YOu paid 3 dollars for a cup of juice (with alcohol in it.) and got free refills.. which i had MANY of those..
when it got late i started talking to this boy, evan, and we really hit it off, i guess... it was cool.
I had a blast! && cannot wait to go visit in the fall again!!! its gonna ROCK.
Oh and btw, arlyne... i love you.. im so glad i stayed sunday night, i love you. you are fucking amazing, and so happy i got to see you at school!!!!!!!!
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| First you wanna be free, Now you say you need me... |
[15 Apr 2007|10:06pm] |
I do not know what to think here.
you confuse me so much.
&& i hate it, but love it at the same time.
what to do with you.
UGHH!!
I want this so badly, but it would kill if I got it.
But i cant not have it, and have you be upset that I still go out!
i would save myself for you, if that were possible.
honest, i would.
I just dont know what you want from me....
so tell me.
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| && I feel you think that I'm out of my mind... |
[10 Apr 2007|01:25am] |
so i did it.
i told him.
&& guess what?
he likes me too.
&& i dont know how to handle this.
i've been very happy tho.
&& i cannot wait to see him again.
i really can't.
&& now im gonna go.
&& ive used the "and" sign way too often in this entry.
ill try to cut back next time.
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